Breaking strings

12am on a Monday. It feels hot, is it just today? My covers are already too disorganized. I don’t care. I’ve just discovered Isak Danielson, he’s emptied my night’s tear glands. Should I send you his playlist? He sings what I wanted you to hear, but was too disoriented to be clear. If he comes here, I’ll go to his concert. I’ll remember to carry a dozen handkerchiefs. And a polaroid of you in my pocket. If we’ll light candles, or hold up our flashlights, it’ll be in your name.

I’m picking up the pieces, again. Maybe this is the final goodbye. Yesterday I saw your photo. I was mid-sentence, speaking to my aunts. I couldn’t finish the sentence, couldn’t keep the smile, could barely keep my eyes clear. For a minute, I allowed myself the low moment. I lost myself in my humanity and my vanity. I didn’t want to leave what I was seeing. For a minute.
And another.

Broken. It’s what I’m listening to now.
Do you need,do you need someone?
Are you scared of what’s to come?
If you leave, who will the next one be?
Will he do the same or will he let you see
I don’t know. I don’t know how it will be tomorrow. I don’t know if I want it to be different.
I want it to be different.

Power. I knew him through that song. Power. He sings it so vulnerably, almost naked. An ethereal girl is walking around him, touching him, making him more addicted to her. He can’t leave her you see, he’s under some good feminine magic.
If I hear my name I’ll run your way
I give my honour, can’t you see?
Why won’t you set me free?
All I feel as I move close to you,
is the desire to move like you
I want to be like you, nonchalant and easy.

Let’s be honest, I feel like his songs are generic. One song resembles the previous. But why do I stay? Because he knows pain. He can’t sing anything else, but of pain, and being left. Who leaves an angel with his voice and passion? Who leaves an angel like you? He’s a Hozier and Sam Smith in one.
Whoever he sang for, do they realize it’s a wound he can’t close with slow music and a piercing gaze. Do they wish to be back in his arms?
Do you wish to be back in my arms?

Last week, I thought vodka could make me forget. I’ve never tried it, but maybe it could. These movie directors romanticize a drunk forsaken man. And I wanted to feel how they feel, swirling in a drunken stupor, spiced with a broken hurt and a kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions. Would I go to my mother and start crying it’s finished mama ? Or would I drunk dial you?

All I wanted was to ask for your love
I don’t know if I dare
If I say the words too quick,
If I plan my every move
Will you leave me hanging without knowing,
Coz I said too much too soon
Please don’t let me go,
but if you do,
please do it slow
A mix of before you took me and before I decided I had had enough. I did fear my extrovertness would turn you away. I didn’t want you to turn away. I don’t want you to let me go. I want you to not even let me go slow. I want you to make me stay.

There came a time,
when you were the only one.
You were the only one
We’re at the end of the line
she keeps me from holding her tight
don’t let me go
we took a hundred steps back
How you said goodbye was sad
Please don’t let me go
Maybe this is what you would say? If you allowed yourself to let go, and not be macho all the time? I wanted to see you vulnerable even a second, just like I wanted to see myself, all walls up, just for a second.

This once, I’m allowing myself this vulnerability. Mixing truths and hopes and wishes…. Just this once. Something that will stay here and when I’m thirty I’ll come here, red-faced, deleting it all and running to tell my kids on the foolishness of youth.

I’m falling deep into you,
If I fall deeper I’ll drown
But who wouldn’t want to drown, in a sea of seductive reds, orange flames and a twining blue? I knew what I was doing when I cuffed myself around an anchor and dropped to the bottom of you.

Maybe we could be a symphony
And maybe I could learn to play
To play like you, I’d never be sorry. Never be this weak. You’re a strong human, I commend you for that. My father would have liked you.

I’m sorry. 01:01am has struck. I need to end this.
Goodbye. Tell my greek warrior I said goodbye.