Sorrows of a dying spirit

My home is a nest of chaos masked by calmness. Detached souls trying to bond best explains us. We fight nights and put on our masks come morning because that’s all that matters; our reputation. My home is a lab where the mind is keened into submission and meekness, obedience the goal.

When happiness descends my home, we fist our hands and wait, because my home is a storm. Sometimes the buildup is slow and you can hold your breath, preparing for the onslaught. Sometimes it hits you so suddenly, clawing your face and stealing your breath and nothing you do can save you. So in my home your guard is always up, waiting for the flattening of a wave after a high tide.

My home is a monster. It stifles your oxygen and suffocates you, doesn’t want you occupying more space than is necessary. My home is water, quenching your fire till there’s no flame left. Spirit is dying while the heart breaks, while the body hunches and you’re not you anymore.

Outside my home is a constant search for validation, for acceptance, for peace , love and….a home. Heart is on sleeve while your lack of confidence shows in how you hunch and how you speak, or fail to speak. Spirit is quiet and dead and fear is a constant mask waiting to be worn because it’s how you know not to try. Fear protects you.

Pain is not the cut on your finger or the pulling and pushing of your abdominal muscles during that time of the month. Pain is the small ache at the bottom of your heart, where your palm can’t soothe or your finger itch. Pain is knowing it will never change and you’ll never climb down from this tree out of this nest. Pain is knowing your vulnerability will always show and you’re not you because you shed you in that nest.

Resignation is letting you fall into that character, just so you can protect yourself. Resignation is facing abuse later and excusing it as your fault because your home trained you it was always your fault. Resignation is not knowing it is not your fault, not at all… resignation is letting it always be your fault. Resignation is letting that nest covered in thick cobwebs stifle your growth, your character, your spirit. Resignation is always being on your knees, face down…. Letting the waves crash you down below, and not putting up a fight.

Delusion is thinking you will one day shed it away and light that flame that had once been trodden out. Delusion is believing one day that nest of regression will be just but a fading memory.